From the Wilderness Forward, What Really Happened to Michael C. Ruppert

From the Wilderness Forward, What Really Happened to Michael C. Ruppert


He carried, as it were, the burden of the world on his shoulders. He was almost a Christ-like figure in that sense.” ~ Barry Zwicker – Author, Activist and Media Critic, commenting on Mike Ruppert’s death, Global Research News Hour April 23, 2014

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Michael C. Ruppert was a lot of things to a lot of people, but amidst it all—although many didn’t know it, Mike was a troubled man. He carried the weight of what he genuinely believed to be the coming “end of the industrialized civilization” and the inevitable “collapse”. He had told us many times that,

There is no more time.”

Mike provided us a 25-point plan in his book, Crossing the Rubicon, but we didn’t take that ball and run with it.

In the end, Mike believed that the time for “doing something”, to stop the collapse, had come and gone. It was too late and now was the time to prepare for our initial survival and then demise. Mike believed, we as a species — because of the finite nature of the situation, were doomed.

Mike wanted us to prepare ourselves personally and spiritually in order to endure the horror of what to him was now the unavoidable. Mike taught us that no amount of prepping would help you if you didn’t have a community.

Mike carried a burden of information the average person isn’t even aware of, and it was heavy …

… But the problems with the world were not the only things that troubled Mike.




Mike’s suicidal tendencies go back further than “at least 8-years” as has been reported thus far (including by me). In 2004, Mike’s close friend, Gary Webb, took his life and Mike reported on the tragedy. In his  From the Wilderness report on Gary’s death, he added,

I myself might have committed suicide in 1996 – broke, divorced and having given up all hope of making people listen — had it not been for Gary Webb. For some years now it has been the farthest thing from my mind.

I rediscovered my purpose and maybe Gary lost his. This is a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.” ~ Michael C. Ruppert, From the Wilderness, December 13, 2004

In addition Mike emailed a friend/colleague on October 19, 2006 admitting to two previous suicide attempts.

In July of 2012 Mike emailed another friend, Lois Karel:


I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, psychotherapist or medical doctor. I am however, Bipolar. I have Bipolar-1 to be exact. I have written on the topic often because it is important that people have a better understanding and awareness of mental health.

Did you know there are now diagnostic imaging tests that can show differences between Bipolar brains and non-Bipolar brains or that beauty can be found in bipolar? Probably not. Mental health is still a mystery to most and without consistent research to stay abreast of advancements, old ideas and attitudes will often prevail.

It was through my awareness of Mike and his work beginning in 2001 and my subsequent interactions with him that began in 2005, that I recognized a kindred spirit. Mike mirrored something in me. I never realized how much so until after he took his life when I found myself unexpectedly steeped in trying to understand so that I might explain.

Most of the years I’d known Mike, I too was in denial of my problem. I too toyed with taking and then not taking SSRIs and other mind altering drugs. I too have thought often about taking my life, I still have my moments.

That’s what Suicidal Ideation is all about.

Mike had further diagnoses than just that of Suicidal Ideation which we will talk about because Suicidal Ideation is a symptom of an illness and is not necessarily the illness itself.

Mike has been called a “narcissist”, an “egomaniac” and more by many; including those who call him “friend”. There is some truth in those words and the source of that truth stems from Mike’s mental health. Mike’s brilliance fueled his problem and vice versa; just as his walk in the world of conspiracies did.

To paraphrase Dylan Avery from a recent Vocativ interview days after Mike’s death,

If I allowed myself to continue down a certain path, that could have been me…. Ruppert was confirmation that you have to walk away…It’s a dark, dangerous world, the world of conspiracy. You make a commitment and either stick with it to the very end, or you don’t. It’s easy to get sucked in, and really hard to get sucked back out.” ~ Dylan Avery, Vocativ, April 25, 2014

A recent study published in Springer’s journal Cognitive Therapy and Research, called Catastrophic Thoughts About the Future Linked to Suicidal Patients, by University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine‘s, Shari Jager-Hyman, Ph.D., explores how negative and hopeless thoughts about the future influence suicidal behaviors in patients who’ve sought emergency psychiatric care.

To prevent suicides, therapists would benefit from directly targeting patients’ thoughts of hopelessness in clinical interventions,” says Jager-Hyman. “A cognitive approach can help patients evaluate their beliefs that negative outcomes will inevitably occur, and show them how to entertain other possible options. This can help to minimize patients’ thoughts of hopelessness, help them to cope better, and ideally decrease their suicidal ideation and behaviors.” ~ Shari Jager-Hyman, Ph.D.

Many people have asked me if Mike simply knew too much and could that be the reason he took his life.

While I am sure the things he knew weighed heavily on him, his work is not what caused Mike’s mental health issues.

It did however, exacerbate his behaviors including the Suicidal Ideation.


Heroes are Human Too

“Have I ever been called a conspiracy theorist? Of course I’ve been called a conspiracy theorist, but I don’t deal in conspiracy theory, I deal in conspiracy fact [emphasis is Mike’s].” ~ MCR in Collapse

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Mike’s research and tenacity was impressive and his in-depth analyses and informative reports — paired with his arrogance and courage — energized, enlightened and inspired. Mike was a leader and he needed you; without you there was no one to lead. The manner in which he delivered his message was one that galvanized countless others to want to know more, but even with all of that, his mind was both working for and against him.

The current hurt, bewilderment, suspicion and  anger that is felt by many cannot be properly addressed without offering up the reality of Mike, the man.

Mike was a “Hero”, but he was also a human being.

No one should be judged for being human.

For at least nearly a decade Mike made those near him, and those who followed him, acutely aware of his personal struggles, however; over that same decade Mike allowed very few people to actually get close. Those that were close experienced all the various moods of Mike on a consistent basis. If you were not in Mike’s inner circle then you were in the majority who merely found his persona to be “dynamic”, “magnetic”, “impassioned” and more.

Mike was serious in his mission and that seriousness came through in spades.


Follow the Leader

Ya know…somebody once said to me a long time ago, and this was back in probably eighty-four, ‘Climb down off the cross asshole, we need the lumber.’ I’m not a Messiah. I am not responsible for saving anybody. The only person I am responsible for saving, is me.” ~ MCR, in Collapse

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If Mike was scared, we were scared. If Mike was excited, we were excited. If Mike said he was in danger, we believed Mike was in danger. If Mike said we were in danger, we believed we were in danger.

Mike’s messages were visceral.

If Mike acted hot-headed, childish, irrational, questionable or even anguished, we believed it was due to whatever situation he was covering, or telling us he was covering at the time. Mike’s frequent talk and threats of suicide; including alluding to at least two attempts, where real to those close to him, but to the rest of the world — who didn’t know any better, Mike was just being Mike.

One close friend, whom I will not name, was sincere and without malice when he said there was always “drama” with Mike; not just in how he reported or in what he believed, but also in how he dealt with things in his  personal life,

Whatever was happening, the way you heard about it from Mike was always more urgent or dire than it really was. If he told you he had 10-days to be out, he probably had 30.”


A Need to Be Loved

Mike was proud of — and tickled by, having so many Facebook friends, it made him happy however; after his death, the head of Mike’s Facebook Moderator team, Ali “Maverick” Thomas and I, discovered that Mike rarely – if ever, opened any of the messages he received, let alone read them. Almost all of the private messages in Mike’s Facebook account, from all of these years, remain unopened or he simply deleted them.

That is quite telling.


It is no secret that friends and fans helped Mike in many ways, especially financially and that “help”, to Mike, was even more of an affirmation that he was liked and/or loved. To his credit, the help he received from his fans was genuinely appreciate by Mike and he painstakingly tried to acknowledge each person who donated by responding with a handwritten letter of gratitude.

Mike needed the admiration and attention of people in order to thrive in myriad ways, but those very same people exhausted and frustrated him with what he perceived to be their complacency and/or ignorance and their unwillingness to take his advice and do something now.

There was a carousel of colleagues, associates, business partners and “friends” and there where countless fans who would discover Mike’s work for the first time at some point or other and then begin to follow. Many of Mike’s more recent fans and friends are those who never knew Mike during the mind expanding days, successes and growth of From the Wilderness that had held our hand through the tumultuous times after 9/11 and throughout most of the Bush Administration.

Many of his latest fans and friends didn’t realize the metamorphosis of Mike that those who had known or followed him for a long time had not only witnessed happening, but were themselves – at various times, pillars of support that helped prop Mike up and hang on for as long as he did. There were a few newer friends as well, who had recognized the fragility hidden behind his roar and they too helped Mike maneuver the corridors of his mind as he navigated the dark world of our Government, but they were few.


Many of his newer fans and friends also had no stick with which to measure the depth or duration of Mike’s very real and very personal struggle he’d had with his own mind. Most had no idea that Mike had a real problem.

There were burnt bridges and broken relationships, not just in the FTW days, but throughout the course of Mike’s life including most recently in Crestone, Colorado where he and his long-time friend and band-mate, Doug Lewis, had a falling out. I do not know the details of what happened between them as that is Doug’s story to tell, but I have talked to Doug, and Mike’s departure from Colorado wasn’t really much different than any other time Mike flew the coop.

Few people in Mike’s life, like Carolyn Baker, stuck with Mike through the very end. Carolyn had met Mike and consequently began contributing to FTW in 2000. The two worked together or collaborated together over the many years of their friendship. According to Carolyn, Mike leaned heavily on her those last weeks, calling or contacting her nearly every other day expressing thoughts and feelings of suicide, but this was not the first time Mike had done this.

The merry-go-round of ups and downs batters not only the person who is mentally ill, but also those that are closest to them and the ensuing loss and alienation of all things tattered and torn feeds the cycle of Suicidal Ideation that permeates the daily life of those who experience it. Suicidal Ideation is comparable to an obsession; planning — always planning, for the end, even during times of success or “happiness”, Suicidal Ideation is still tap, tap, tapping away on the sufferer’s shoulder like a reminder.


Getting Help

Community is what will save us. You’re gonna have to do it in conjunction with your neighbors and your family and the people around you. You will fail as a rugged individual; you will survive as a member of a tribe or a family…<stop camera> I have emotion about this, I am losing.” ~ A very emotional and poignant warning from MCR in Collapse

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Mike had a problem, but because of how it presented itself in his life, it was easier for him [and us] to blame situations, people and the world for his symptoms. Denial is its own disease.

I have to wonder if Mike researched his own mental health and varying diagnoses as extensively as he did other things?

I do not know the answer to that.

What Mike needed was help, but the outside world merely took Mike’s state of mind and constant requests for help as that of a man whose life was in danger [real or imagined] because he was telling the things “They” didn’t want told, and so…

… friends and fans helped by sending money, sharing links and trying to engage with him online.

Close friends encouraged him to get professional help, but they were often the “counselors” Mike sought out instead.

We can argue the voracity of “mental health”, it’s causes, the labels and more, but none of that will change the fact that those who suffer whatever you want to call “it” are indeed suffering and the battle Mike had was overwhelming, not just at the end, but for a long time.

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The body of work Mike left behind is brilliant and immense. As the world continues to careen and collapse around us more people will discover the relevancy of Michael C. Ruppert and that part of his legacy will forever live on with a momentum all its own, but there was a final message from Mike that needs to be shared and there is also a final lesson from Mike that needs to be learned.


From the Wilderness to the Jungle of Venezuela to the Jungle of New York

By 2006 Mike was having extreme difficulty. FTW had fallen apart and Mike’s world was turned inside out; his stage had been pulled — or kicked, from beneath him and in July, he fled to Venezuela after mostly completing the Pat Tillman story.

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Mike said he fled because he feared for his life. As with anyone who does the sort of work Mike did, it is easy to believe lives may have been in danger, but also due to the work itself, we will never really know if that was true. One thing is for sure, many of Mike’s fans believed him and it further cemented in their minds that “truth telling” was a dangerous game.

Mike was a prolific writer. He was also compelling on-camera and in audio in good times and bad and he shared; boy did he share. If it was happening to Mike, everyone knew about it if he wanted you to, and if you were paying attention.

Mike’s more recent friends heard him say he was “no longer a Warrior and was now a teacher.” This was not a new idea to Mike. Mike had said similar things before – including before moving to Colorado in 2010, according to his good friend Jack Martin.

Mike had pulled out of or away from “movements” many times over the years. Mike had a pattern of being publicly on again – off again just as you see in the excerpt of his email to colleagues in November of 2006 that has been released by Jenna Orkin on April 16, 2014 in her ongoing blog series on Mike’s life.

“…anything [sic] I do now will be out of the public eye. Guidance yes, but I need to get offstage for a good long while. That is both a pressure and a drug I need to detox from…” ~ Michael C. Ruppert, Email, Novemeber 2006

I had my first conversation with Mike a year prior to that email. Mike had said he was no longer a part of the “movement” in reference to 9/11 Truth and made it clear to me he wanted to be left alone. He was disgusted by how he viewed the evolution of “Truthers” and was done with the overwhelming “conspiracies” that did little to lend credence to his own hard work.

Imagine my surprise when 4-years later, in the late  spring/early summer of 2009, I found myself working with Mike on a 9/11 Truth project called the Week of Truth (WOT). Sadly, Mike threatened the whole group of us that where working together, with litigation over what he had perceived to be plagiarism of his words used in a proposal put together based on interviews with him, by best-selling author, Steve Alten.

No one had plagiarized anything, but Alten had not specifically credited him for bullet points Mike felt he owned. Mike needed to be recognized.


Jenna and Mike and Bellevue…Oh My

The word “Bipolar” was used a few times in conjunction with PTSD in relation to Mike by doctors and therapists and Mike himself, according to Jenna Orkin, who was quite close to Mike during this time, just as they had been before he’d fled to Venezuela. It was her home in which Mike lived when he returned to the United States in November of 2006 and by December Mike began having “debilitating panic attacks”.

When I arrived in New York in late November [after returning from Venezuela] I was so depressed I could barely speak. Who wouldn’t be depressed? Suicide was on my mind daily. I remembered other great journalists who had died in pain after producing great works. Jonathan Kwitny comes to mind.” ~ Michael C. Ruppert, From the Wilderness, January 31, 2007

A physician friend of Mike’s referred him to his sister, Dr. Faiza Khan, a N.Y. Psychiatrist. Dr. Khan suggested for Mike to seek help at an Emergency Room.

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Jenna and Mike went to the Emergency Room at Bellevue Hospital Center, which is well known [notorious] for its psychiatric facilities. Mike was seen by Dr. Heather Lewerenz, prescribed Valium and then released with an appointment for a follow-up visit.

What is of interest and import (and probably hardly recognized) in Mike’s telling of the Bellevue story is that Mike brought a copy of his bookCrossing the Rubicon, with him to the E.R. that night. He calls the story, “New Years at Bellevue” and it is still archived at FTW. He also points out that Jenna was a “witness” to this story.

Here is an excerpt from Mike’s report where he is talking about the book…

While I was waiting to be seen, there were a bunch of NY cops in the waiting room and one of them recognized me. He had read Rubicon and asked to shake my hand. The other NY cops were very cool and not one of them displayed the “love it or leave it” syndrome. They were actually quite sympathetic.

They all shook my hand and asked me to pass around a copy of Rubicon which I did so they could see it. Jenna was there to witness all this. I told them, truthfully, that I was there because I was having a lot of PTSD. No shit.” ~ Michael C. Ruppert, From the Wilderness, Jan. 31, 2007

At a follow-up to his E.R. visit, Mike was also prescribed the antidepressant, Effexor. After a week on the Effexor Mike was suicidal and was admitted at Bellevue on New Year’s Eve 2006/2007.

Mental health is something that cannot be overlooked in the life and death of Michael C. Ruppert. There is no amount of religion, faith, friendship or brilliance that can change the fact that Mike had problems and the very things that drew us to him are the very things that drove others away.


New White Trash, Doug Lewis and Meeting Jessy Re`

After the documentary Collapse, Mike had again rode the roller coaster of indie media fame and then some; Mike’s message had finally touched the mainstream. Michael C. Ruppert was again the man with the answers; the man people turned to [or attacked].

On July 19, 2012 Mike sent an email to his friend, business partner and Attorney, Wesley Miller. Part of this email again is Mike talking about planning his death. This was a month before he made the move to Colorado.

The weeks since have been, without exception, the happiest time and most growth-filled time of my life. All I did was farm and live with the land and pray. My leaving the company was essential so that you guys would have something to lean on. You have done well. You need the company. I don’t.

48 hours ago I was well into planning suicide out back. I had nowhere to go.The crops are unbelievable. The corn is eight feet high. There will be 50 pounds of potatoes, watermleon, squash, pumpkins and we brought four trees back to producing that didn’t do anything last year; peaches, plums, pears. It’s wonderful.” ~ Michael C. Ruppert email to Wes Miller July 19, 2012

When Mike’s financial and personal world crumbled again, he left Sebastopol, California in August of 2012 with the stated purpose of taking his life. According to his close friend Jack Martin — who helped him pack, Mike had destroyed or otherwise gotten rid of all of his previous research and files prior to making this move.

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Mike headed to the Crestone, Colorado area where he moved in with his long-time friend and New White Trash bandmate Doug Lewis. It was through his friendship with Doug that Mike met Jessy Re`Pulver, the woman he fell in love with and spoke of often however, cryptically, on The Lifeboat Hour, calling her a “friend”.

The band was making music, Mike was in love and his spirituality was taking flight.

Image Source: Jessy Re` Pulver

As a bandmate, Mike had finally allowed himself to collaborate versus be the “leader”. Although he loved making music, recording music was another way Mike was able to leave a piece of him behind; another body of Mike’s work that would outlive him.

Photo Credit: Cara Tompkins

According to Doug,

Mike was a ‘Soul Man’, <think Blues Brothers>; he was good at dancing and singing. He had a talent always ready to come out.”

I was struck by the Blues Brothers analogy while talking with Doug and their song “Almost” jumped to mind and is quite fitting in retrospect…

Already having had a deep awareness of Mother Earth, Mike’s time in Colorado reinforced and expanded his faith in “Native” ways while his addictions and the bitter cold chipped away at his sanity and sense of self and empowerment.

Mike was overwhelmed. Not because of all the bad things he had uncovered in the world, but by his own issues, his own proclivities and addictions; his own weaknesses as a man. Mike was unable [or unwilling] to take the next step to address or resolve his problems.

Ironically on his April 6, 2014 show, Mike said,

The pain of not changing has become greater than the pain of changing.”

Mike believed that about us and the world, but he obviously didn’t believe that about himself.

Many thought Mike was living a “primitive” life in Crestone and Moffat, Colorado, but that wasn’t exactly true. While Doug’s place is 22+ miles from the nearest anything, it is a nice home fully equipped and comfortable.

To address those who believe Mike was a “survivalist” or “prepper”, Doug (who does keep emergency supplies) said,

Mike was no prepper.  He understood the importance of being prepared for any emergency situation, but took no steps to prepare or to maintain emergency supplies.  Cigarettes would be the exception. Mike identified more with being a ‘warrior’ than as a prepper or survivalist.”


Andy Capper, “Apocalypse, Man” and the Bitter Cold

The idea for Apocalypse, Man didn’t materialize out of the blue. Vice Magazine’s Global Editor, Andy Capper, and Mike met after the release of Collapse. Over the years they discussed many ideas and opportunities and according to Capper, they even discussed the possibility of Mike becoming an occasional “correspondent” for Vice.

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In November 2013, Capper, traveled to Crestone, Colorado to film and direct the Apocalypse, Manseries which had a soft release online earlier this year. When I spoke with Capper, he told me filming the series had involved 10-11 hour days. Most of the footage we see is that of Mike talking to us from the Singing Stone Lodge in the San Luis Valley surrounded by the Sangre de Cristo Range; traditionally known as the Black and White Sash or Mother Earth’s Sash. The lodge is owned and maintained by Mike’s friend and spiritual mentor, Christopher Long.

Andy and Mike talked about screening Apocalypse, Man somewhere in Northern California. The actuality of that is still to be determined however, according to Capper, the final release will include at least one previously unreleased scene that will replace another that is less relevant to the series. Capper shared that he has additional footage he may include and or release at a later date.

Some of you may not know this, but the Vice series is not “Apocalypse Man” as in Mike was the “Apocalypse Man.” The title has a comma between the two words and is, “Apocalypse…Maaaaan” <think stoner dude delivery>. That comma meant a lot to Mike and he said so many times when he discussed the series.

Filming was done and by January, Mike and Jessy Re` were talking about their future together, but on February 4, 2014, (his last week in Colorado) Mike was a guest on Higherside Chats (#93). The Vice video segments had already gone live online and something was changing, again, with Mike,

Within in the last two months or so I’ve had a really fundamental change in, in my position. We are in hospice as a species; as a planet. Human industrial civilization and more importantly I think as Terrance McKenna might argue, or Daniel Quinn might argue or Rupert Sheldrake or a lot of my heroes might say, but this, this culture is dying. It is the culture which has to die. Uh, because, it is a meme which is now obviously and transparentl[y] … suicidal.” ~ Michael C. Ruppert Higherside Chats interview February 4, 2014

The winters can be rather harsh in Colorado, especially when you are isolated 21-miles or so from the nearest anything. To Mike, the winters and the territory were unforgiving and untenable; the cold was physically hurting him, the isolation was also taking its toll and his relationship with Doug was becoming strained.

Mike’s shift towards “hospicing” oneself instead of “saving” the world was profound and — in my opinion — was a clue that Mike’s Suicidal Ideation was giving him a run for his money.

As per Mike’s M.O., he once again suddenly sought help from fans and friends and fled Colorado. According to Doug, when Mike left,

His car was smoking and barely ran and he only left with hundreds — not thousands, of dollars.”


Coming Home to California

Mike needed help, again. His finances were bad and he needed a place to live. He wanted out of the cold and ice of the Colorado winter and back into the warmth and sunshine of California. Mike contacted several people in an email blast and when it came down to it, it was the offer of his good friend, 63-year-old Jack Martin from Calistoga, California, that Mike accepted.

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Mike’s old Lincoln was barely running and according to Jack, Mike texted and called often, giving him a blow-by-blow of every malfunction and crisis along the way. Jack was afraid the Lincoln wouldn’t make it, but Mike was insistent it would. Jack told me Mike found humor in his car troubles and laughed about the challenges. He seemed happy to be coming home.

Image Source: CollapseNet

In the latter half of February 2014, Michael Ruppert pulled onto 2 ½ acres outside of the city limits of Calistoga after what had been a 18-month adventure in Colorado.

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When Jack asked Mike why he chose his offer over other offers, Mike’s reply was typical Mike, deadpan and true to the friendship he and Jack shared when he said,

Because you offered.”

Jack had made the old Airstream trailer livable for Mike. He set it up so that Mike could also work and do his show from there.

Image Source: CollapseNet

The profound thinking Mike was going through during this time can only be pieced together by those he had shared his feelings with – some of which has been shared with me. In Colorado Mike had realized that he, Michael C. Ruppert, was just as unprepared as the rest of us, for the things he believed were coming.

Spiritually, Mike had found comfort in Native American faiths, but tangibly, Mike didn’t have a pot to piss in if shit really suddenly did  hit the fan. I have seen several people claim that Mike was a “prepper”, but this is not true in the literal sense as Mike did not have the means to prep, also, Mike didn’t believe prepping was going to save anyone and taught us the importance of building community.

On January 6, 2011, Mike did say — during a Zeitgeist interview, that he was going to take a survivalist course that coming February,

I’m going to be taking Tom’s [Brown] basic course in February and after that Tom and I are in discussion to start doing weekend seminars around the country.”

But, Mike was not a prepper nor a survivalist.


Where There’s A Will…

Jack told me Mike was on a mission to have a new Will drawn-up immediately upon arriving. Jack says he was obsessed, but clarifies Mike’s reasons had nothing to do with any nefarious fears of Government assignation.

According to Jack [and others], Mike made Wills often, changing who the Executor was each time. Sometimes this was due to fallings-out he had with people, like that of his relationship with Doug Lewis who had been the previous Will’s Executor (before that it had been Wesley Miller, Mike’s last Attorney of Record; his CollapseNet business partner and friend).


The last Will, which Jack is the legal Executor of, is a 4-page document, mostly containing instruction as to who is to do what regarding his social media accounts, his show, his dog “Rags” and so on.

Also upon Mike’s arrival in California, he stressed to Jack that he no longer had any government or otherwise dangerous files in his possession, including on his computer’s hard drives. He had gotten rid of everything 2-years prior, before moving to Colorado and wanted Jack to be aware of what would or would not be on his property.

This picture was taken just  a couple of weeks before Mike took his life. In the image with Mike is Jack Martin’s son Jack Jr. and his grandson Ian.

Image Source: Jack Martin

According to Jack, Mike had been getting to know Jack’s family in those weeks he was living there and said Mike seemed to enjoy spending time with his grandchildren and even the craftsmen that worked on the property. He would tell stories around the fire-pit for whoever was listening and his time there was spent peacefully and this beautiful view is what Mike was looking act where he stood in those seconds before pulling the trigger and ending his life.

Image Source: CollapseNet

Jack and his wife live in town, within the city limits of Calistoga, not out on the property where Mike lived. Jack’s daughter, her husband and their children and his son lived on the property with Mike. Between them and the craftsmen, Mike had daily “neighbors”.

Jack noted that Mike had never been alone on those 2 ½ acres until the evening he took his life.


Into the “Matrix”: Mike Goes to Seattle

Mike was working on a treatment or pilot for a mainstream series. It was all hush-hush so there are few available details.


Mike did tell his listeners the new show would bring him some much needed funds while not putting him in the position of having to compromise who he was. He said, “They want Mike Ruppert full-tilt” and he seemed prepared to give it to them. He also mentioned he would be interviewing Dr. John W. Apsley, II while in Seattle. I have been in contact with. Dr. Apsley and he is interested in talking if or when he is legally released from his NDA.

On his April 6 show, Mike told us a  chauffeured Town Car would pick him up from the property at 8:00 the next morning to take him to the Santa Rosa Airport where he would be flying on Alaska Airline’s to Seattle to meet with the entertainment company he was working with. He also mentioned he’d be put up in a Marriott Courtyard Suite.

While in Seattle, Mike contacted Jack and others who say he had used the same “Matrix” language he did in his Facebook post when he returned on April 10.

On April 10, two-hours after he returned to Calistoga from Seattle, Mike made a post to his Facebook wall.

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He also posted a Craigslist ad (post id: 4418602353) seeking a place for himself, Jessy Re` and her son. He noted he would like it to have enough room for a horse when he was financially stable.  Mike’s ad has since expired and been removed by Craigslist however, I took a screen shot documenting it below. It can also be found in the slide show at the end of this article along with other pieces of documentation.

Image Source: Craigslist

I’ve seen much speculation over Mike’s trip to Seattle from which he returned a few days before taking his life. Is Seattle the reason Mike did this? Did something happen in Seattle? The answer to that question is both, “yes” and “no”. Nothing happened in Seattle that caused Mike to commit suicide beyond being faced further with his own reality after reentering “society” after having been isolated from that same “society”, for a year and a half in Colorado.

Mike had indeed, “stepped back into the Matrix” and the “Matrix” had the power to both save and take, Mike’s life because it was everything Mike taught against, but it isn’t what killed Mike.

There is not further information at this time on what the Seattle trip was all about or what will become of a footage, etc. involved with it.


The Hundredth Monkey and “Mike’s”, Not the “Lakota’s” Way

Documented by his grandiose highs and heartbreakingly lows, Mike was not joking when he spoke of wanting to take his life. His feelings were real to him and those who knew or followed Mike bore witness.

We have read and heard Mike speak on and thank “God” in the past, but over the years his gratitude and spirituality leaned more towards that of Native American and other Indigenous faiths. It should be noted that not all of the people who participated with Mike during his time in Colorado were blood Natives. Just like everything else, we stereotype “faith”.

Image Source:

I cannot responsibly tell the story of Mike’s suicide, his “sacrifice”, without making it clear that what Mike did, the suicide itself is not in line with the true Lakota faith and/or their “flesh offering”. I contacted several blood Lakotas and according to a Lakota woman from South Dakota’s Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, suicide is not a part of their belief nor their ceremonies or rituals. There are lots of places you can find out more about Lakota faith and the “Sun Dance” also known as the “flesh offering”.

That does not mean that Mike didn’t believe – or want us to believe, he was sacrificing himself; his “flesh” for [us] “the children”. Either way, he intentionally included his faith in not only his words, but also in the final act itself. Notice the feather in Mike’s hands? Remember it.

Image Source: Apocalypse, Man

The words he left behind in his many notes, emails and posts were not arbitrary ramblings; they were euphoric yet resigned; peaceful yet violent; hopeful yet hopeless…they were a warning.

The Planet was Mike’s “God”. Mother Earth is the “Mother” in Mike’s note that he asked Jack to return his body to. Mike’s real mother passed away many years ago and the only family the Napa County Coroner and Sheriffs could locate was a single female cousin named Sherry Colliton in Charleston, North Carolina. This cousin was also on a list of people in Mike’s Will as someone to be contacted.

Some of Mike’s very closest ties at the end of his life were to those who have, what some consider, alternative ideas on life before death. “Hospice” or “Hospicing” is nothing new however, it is a term many do not know or understand the meaning of, especially in relation to someone that is not known to be terminally ill. For some of Mike’s friends, their involvement with “hospicing” made them a ready target of criticism and blame from those who have no grasp of how the concept pertained to Mike.

Did the support, counsel and friendship Mike received from people like Carolyn Baker or Guy McPherson cause or enable him to take his life? No.

It would however, stand to reason that their collective calmness and wisdom over the years offered Mike a sort of peace with himself that he didn’t or couldn’t find in others and I hope it washed over him when he needed it most.

We always knew it could come to this. To write about Mike requires the tranquility of recollection but at the moment, all is turmoil.” ~ Jenna Orkin, Mike Ruppert Blogspot, April 15, 2014

An expected death can still be shocking.” ~ Barry Zwicker — author and activist and media critic, speaking of death in relation to Mike’s suicide on the Global Research News Hour, April 23, 2014

In the second to the last The Lifeboat Hour show, Mike talks about all of the changes he sees taking place in people [not things or situations] around the world; he points out the growing leadership of women again and he talks about changes taking place in him. It is worth re-listening to, especially now to hear in hindsight of his death.

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Try as he might, Mike never found his “hundredth monkey” although he was followed and admired by tens of thousands of people around the world he couldn’t get us to effectively do the things that needed to be done to stop the coming collapse. Just as he taught about like Peak Oil, Mike believed we had also peaked as a planet and species hence his many warnings of “there is no more time”.

Michael C. Ruppert, “Truth Tracker”; our “Scout” from the wilderness of the industrialized civilization was trying to tell us the time for all he previously taught us, his 25-point plan, had passed.

Stop asking crazy people whether you’re sane or not.” ~ Michael C. Rupport, The Lifeboat Hour, April 6, 2014

Mike believed the time had come for dealing with our own selves as human beings, to address what was coming and how we were going to deal with it. It wasn’t about stopping anything anymore; it was about preparing spiritually and building a lifeboat, community or tribe.


The Tell-Tale Signs From an Expert

My earlier release of one of Mike’s “suicide” notes caught the attention of Treyce Montoya, MPsyD – Psychologist, forensic handwriting expert (specializing in suicide notes), and award-Winning Author. Treyce is an esteemed and much sought-after expert in her field and I am thankful for her insight and graciousness in allowing me to pick her brain.

Treyce had never heard of Michael C. Ruppert [or his work] prior to seeing that first note. With a completely unbiased or predetermined opinion she shared her professional thoughts with me after looking over all five of the handwritten notes (provided by me) that Mike had left at the scene, 

The uniqueness in the bipolar note vs. others is the [writer’s] predictable unpredictability; wishy-washy, depressed – elated, etc.. Just as you see in their actions, you see in their writing. All of the samples [notes] show the same bipolar tendencies AND suicidal ideations – severe – one of the worst cases of suicidal ideations I have seen in 27 years.” ~ Treyce Montoya, MPsyD – Psychologist and forensic handwriting expert

I asked Treyce whether someone else could have written some or all of the notes and her response was,

If he did not write them all – someone else is just as suicidal and likely related to him since the similarities [between notes]that I did notice are dead-on.” ~ Treyce Montoya, MPsyD – Psychologist and forensic handwriting expert

In addition, as you will see — at the end of this article, in the minute by minute timeline of Mike’s last day, Mike was a very busy man and according to Treyce,

I cannot give you a timeline per se [as to when exactly he wrote each note], but he is extremely suicidal on all of them. Because he felt euphoric because of that decision, he could have very easily written those over a more extended timeframe. He could have easily done his last show after he wrote the notes – especially if he did not want anyone to be suspicious of his intent and/or try to prevent it. The “Rags” note was euphoric – his decision was made and he was happy and at peace so it was likely very close to the end of his life.” ~ Treyce Montoya, MPsyD – Psychologist and forensic handwriting expert


Mike’s Suicide

Some will argue whether taking one’s own life is a God given right or a Godforsaken sin. I am not here to argue anything. I am here only to share the facts as I know them in order to help clear some of the ongoing speculation and/or denial surrounding Mike’s suicide. Your feelings on his final act will mostly be filtered through whatever are your own spiritual beliefs, but mental health is a disease of the brain that affects how those who suffer with it think and more importantly feel.

Suicidal Ideation brought on by Depression, Bipolar and/or PTSD is debilitating. The thoughts and planning are ever present. In the phone, Doug Lewis described it well when he called it “perennial planning” because it is.

Many people are having trouble understanding why Mike would do this when it appeared things were looking up for him; a new show, a new woman, a new life and more. John Lennon’s words from long ago were not meant in this context however, they perfectly describe that aspect of Suicidal Ideation.

Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans.” ~ John Lennon

While Mike spent more than a decade planning his death, he still went on living life as if otherwise. Suicidal Ideation is an appendage only the bearer can see. I hope these writings will help open minds, eyes and hearts to a point of understanding of how painful and pervasive it can be.


On April 13, 2014 Michael C. Ruppert ended his battle; not with the Government or the “elite”, but with his own mind. It is not up to us to judge and the speculation over alternative possibilities as to how he died, need to stop.

Mike was an ex-cop and In Truth and Lies of 9/11 he taught us the importance of  going about our truth-telling,

There is a procedure that you follow, when you are presenting evidence. There is a way that you structure evidence to avoid speculation.” ~ MCR, Truth and Lies of 9/11

Mike hated “conspiracies” and especially in relation to himself. Unfounded speculation and the ensuing virility of that speculation – on any given subject, were the very things that exasperated and infuriated Mike for years and the thing he hoped to avoid in his own death.

None of us knew more about a crime scene than Mike. Not only did Mike go about his life’s work as if each story was a case; planning his own his death wasn’t any different.

The estimated “official” time of death – along with the toxicology results will be included when the final Coroner’s report comes out. The report is expected to contain the same information as their initial preliminary report which was:

Mike died of a single gunshot wound to the right temple which exited the left side of his head. When authorities arrived they pronounced him dead at 9:05 PM. This is not Mike’s actual time of death, just when he was “declared” deceased. Be warned, the language in the preliminary report is graphic.

Image Source: Wesley Miller/CollapseNet
Image Source: Wesley Miller/CollapseNet
Image Source: Wesley Miller/CollapseNet
Image Source: Wesley Miller/CollapseNet
Image Source: Wesley Miller/CollapseNet

I can also give you a timeline of the events as they are documented from all that Mike did on late afternoon Saturday, April 12 and all day Sunday April 13 up to the point of taking his life.

It has been determined by me and others, that it is very unlikely Mike could have written all of the handwritten notes as well as at least one email and a FaceBook post – which were also suicide “notes”, from the time he completed his last show on The Lifeboat Hour to the time he died.

Understanding this probability, one must then understand he most likely had hosted his entire final show knowing he was going to take his life afterwards.

That’s heavy.

It is especially heavy to those Mike had been interacting with on the phone, online and in person those last two-days.

In addition, some that were close to Mike – much closer to him than I, believe he didn’t make the decision to take his life until sometime Sunday afternoon. The contents of the message Mike left in his note to Jessy Re` said clearly,

I did not decide until today.


I did not know until today.”

It should be reminded that Jessy Re` had just left Calistoga the day before. She had been visiting with Mike on her way to visit her child’s father in Oregon.

There are other people close to Mike who, like myself, believe Mike had at least been heavily contemplating as early as late Saturday afternoon if not in fact already putting his plan into motion and saying his goodbyes. What I am going to show you is what Mike did before he took his life and fill in some of the blanks left behind by Jack and others.

You can determine for yourself based on the evidence I have collected – with much appreciated help, in the timeline below.


The Scene

As you will [or may have already] seen in the video Wesley Miller filmed of Jack Martin walking you through the area of the property where Mike lived and died. Jack discusses the timeline of how it unrolled after Mike took his life. The video helps give more perspective to the scene itself. The video is not of Mike or any “crime scene” left behind. Everything has been cleaned up. You will also notice the bottle of alcohol on the shelf behind Jack as he is talking from inside the trailer.

Jack’s property was only 2 ½ acres and there were several people living on or working on the property at all times.

On the outside of Mike’s trailer there were two handwritten notes. They were not taped on the door as I had earlier reported when I released the Second series of notes, and were instead taped just to the right of the door. Both of these notes were the notes Mike meant specifically for anyone that approached the trailer to see; one was instructions not to go inside or touch anything; the other a prayer or poem Mike wrote that is similar in language to all of the message had Mike left behind, except the one he left with his dog “Rags” inside of his Lincoln.


 Jack Martin
Image Source: Jack Martin

On the inside of the trailer there were two notes; one was addressed specifically to Jessy Re` and the other to Jack. I shared the letter written to Jack when I released the first note. I will not be sharing the letter written to Jessy Re` as it belobgs to her and is personal. Also inside the trailer Mike had left out his Will which had a list of people for Jack to contact.




Mike was a very busy man over the weekend, particularly on the day he passed away. He spent a lot of time on Facebook. I am not going to list every single  “like”, “share”, “comment” or “post” Mike made, he was as prolific in the Facebook world as he was anywhere else. I am also not going to add in the times of him playing Backgammon on Facebook, which he played quite a lot of.

April 12, 2014

10:27 AM PST Mike “Likes” this Video posted on his FaceBook wall.


3:07 PM PST Mike called his good friend Guy McPherson and spoke with him for 3 minutes and 48 seconds.

Mike called me Saturday night as I was about to deliver a presentation. He told me he loved me and respected my work. We spoke for only a few minutes. Now I know he was calling to say goodbye.” ~ Guy McPherson

7:13 PM PST  Mike posts Terrence McKenna’s, Opening the Doors of Creativity. His words and those he quotes are quite profound. Mike’s decision had been made.


7:39 PM PST Mike comments in his Terrence McKenna post. It is obvious Mike is contemplating heavy things this night.


8:39 PM PST Mike references both Mimi German’s post and Chante Pierce’s post and says, the “women are leading”. He tags several individuals.


9:41 PM PST  Mike “Likes” Chante Pierce’s Edgar Cayce post about End Time prophecies.


9:42 PM PST  Mike “Likes” Mimi German’s post about the, “Con”.

I believe, as early as Saturday, April 12, Michael C. Ruppert was already putting his  plan in motion. Mike knew he would have the property where he lived, to himself the next evening. He knew Jack’s family would be gone.

Mike has had the means and motive, but now, he had the opportunity.

APRIL 13, 2014

8:49 AM PST  Mike makes his first post of the day with a link about the importance of the Bundy Ranch issue (he makes several posts and comments on the Bundy Ranch situation throughout the day).

9:41 AM PST  Mike emails Jack talking about needing to make an appointment to get his car fixed and get a ride to do so. He ends the email with, “Beautiful day.”

9:42 – 9:46 AM PST  AM Brief phone call with Jessy Re`

12 PM PST  Mike emails Mimi German and Carolyn Baker about the upcoming show that night

12:16 PM PST  Mike calls bullshit on a Guardian article about climate change.

12:41 PM PST  Mike emails Mimi German and Carolyn Baker again about upcoming show and says to them, “Let’s give the people some empathy tonight.”

12:45 PM PST  Mike posts to Mimi that he is “calling [her] now”.


2:15PM – 3:15PM PST  (APX) Jack visits with Mike on the property in the 1100 block of Tubbs Lane, Calistoga, CA.

3:19 PM PST  Mike shares a link to oil pipeline story


3:28 PM PST Mike posts this in his thread about the Bundy Ranch.


3:41 PM PST Mike comments in the Bundy Ranch thread again and has this exchange.

3:44 PM PST Mike emails Mimi German and Carolyn Baker about the upcoming show however; in this email Mike ends with, “I’ll have one song at the bottom of the show. We all know what to do.”

4 PM PST Mike sent an email to Jessy Re`to say, “I love you.”

4:08 PM PST Mike “Likes” a photo on Guy McPherson’s wall. The photo is of Guy taken the night before, after a presentation at the University of Rhode Island. Mike called Guy before this presentation.

4:40 PM PST Mike posts Gary Null’s link promoting Mike’s show that night.


6:04 PM PST The Lifeboat Hour radio show begins

6:43 PM PST Mike posts this


7 PM PST The Lifeboat Hour radio show ends

7:04 PM PST Mike “Likes” Ali “Maverick” Thomas’ post on his wall


7:04 PM PST Mike “Likes” Mimi German’s post on his wall.

7:34 PM PST Mike makes a very dramatic, violently dire final post on his FaceBook wall. Notice how he signs off. That phrase is in the Lakota language and means, “we are all related”.


7:35 PM PST Mike emails 12 of his closest friends – all CC’s on his “Prayer”. Mimi German and Ali Maverick Thomas are 2 of the 12, the others are redacted for their privacy and/or because there was not time to get their consent before this publication.


mike for the children email 2

7:35 PM PST At least – of the 12 individuals CC’d, it is confirmed that at least, Mimi German and Ali “Maverick” Thomas received Mike’s email of his prayer in real-time. They were online when Mike sent it. According to both, they took it “metaphorically”.

7:45 PM PST Mike emails Jack Martin


8:30 PM PST (APX) Jack Martin first sees Mike’s email. He and his family leave in two vehicles to property.

8:43 PM PST (APX) Jack Martin arrives at the property — approximately 60-seconds behind his daughter who had driven to the end of the long driveway to the back of the property where Mike’s trailer was located and was returning back down the driveway when Jack was pulling in. They stopped in opposite directions where Jack’s son-in-law told Jack, “It doesn’t look good Jack”.

8:44 PM PST (APX) Jack drove straight to the “blue and white GMC” (as mentioned in Mike’s email) and because of his headlights he saw a body on the ground. Jack did not realize or even think the body on the ground belonged to Mike.

8:45 PM PST (APX) Jack goes to the trailer looking for Mike. In his haste and in the dark, Jack did not notice the two notes Mike had carefully taped to the trailer door.

Immediately upon entering the trailer, Jack saw two notes; one note for him and the other for Jessy Re`. He immediately called 911 at that point, realizing what happened.

8:47 PM PST (APX) Jack heads to the blue and white GMC where he’d seen a body

8:49 PM PST Jack  calls 911

9:05 PM PST (APX) One local Calistoga police officer arrives to secure Jack and the scene while waiting for Napa County Sheriff’s to arrive (the property is outside of Calistoga city limits and local Calistoga officials had no jurisdiction). Mike is pronounced dead on the scene.

9:17 PM PST One Napa County Sheriff,  that had been in the vicinity arrives on the scene.

10:17 PM PST (APX) PM PST Two Investigators arrive from Napa County

It was shortly before midnight when Mike’s body was removed and the authorities left the property.


Final Thoughts…

Case closed.

There is no conspiracy here. There is however, an important message, Mike’s last warning and it is loud and clear,

There is no more time.”

Mike’s message was about doing. He had already given us the knowledge, ad nauseam.

Knowing about things and doing something — not only about them, but also to prepare for them, i.e. the Lifeboat, are two different things. Too many times he taught and fought, to give us everything his brilliant mind had to offer, so that we, “the children”; the custodians; the caretakers; the stewards of this planet, which is a gift from, “the Mother”, could stop what has only become – to Mike, over the course of his lifetime of studies, the inevitable collapse.

The excesses and excuses of the world were too much for Mike. Mike didn’t want a follower, he wanted a teammate walking the walk alongside him literally doing the work, but even Mike himself realized in the end, that he too was wholly unprepared for the reality of what we were facing and his personal demons and troubles with addictions got the best of him.

We have all heard Mike say the end was, “happening now”. In addition, if you were to ask him when exactly, he would say, ‘It’s happening now, yesterday, and tomorrow.”

We heard his dire warnings many times over the years. The mechanisms and the madness driving us to collapse had been upon us for a long time and what Mike was trying to tell us is we needed to do something to prepare now, not just talk about it.

As most people do when they are faced with impending death, Mike prepared himself spiritually, especially and most specifically while he was in Colorado. Mike embraced the Native American faith(s) and their ways of living and although what he did was not the true meaning of their ceremonial flesh offering, by extension of the sentiment behind it, Mike had finally found comfort in taking action on his deep-rooted and long-time desire to end his life.

When Mike’s body was found, laying on the ground above his head was the feather I mentioned before. The feather was given to him by his mentor while in Colorado and it was Mike’s most prized possession at the time of his death. He had kept the feather in a special place in the trailer and had only the week before shown it to Jack and told him it’s significance.

Few people knew about the feather or what it meant to Mike.


NOTE: Thank you to Carolyn Baker, Wesley Miller, Guy McPhereson, Andrea Long, Jessy Re` Pulver, Andy Capper, Wonder Bob, Mimi German,  Stephanie Combden, and Doug Lewis. Extra special thanks to Jack Martin, Ali “Maverick” Thomas and Jenna Orkin. I couldn’t have done this without all of you. Thank you. ORIGINAL SOURCE


One thought on “From the Wilderness Forward, What Really Happened to Michael C. Ruppert

  1. May 3, 2014 – Lake Oswego, OR

    On a stunningly beautiful day at a funeral home overlooking the San Francisco Bay, Jack Martin, Jesse Re and I arrived at the appointed hour to pay our last respects to Mike Ruppert’s physical body. In Mike’s typical dramatic fashion, he was actually late to his own funeral. The car carrying Mike’s body was late to arrive for his cremation. It was a welcome delay, though, as it gave us more time to absorb the surreal.

    After privately viewing (and video recording) Mike’s body, Jesse Re, Jack and I paid our final respects to Mike’s physical incarnation, followed by our witnessing of Mike’s cremation (which I also videoed). While waiting for Mike’s ashes to be processed for return to Jesse, we spent the afternoon together talking about what happened, and trying to digest all of the things that were going on in Mike’s mind leading up to his final act. (Jesse told me later that the cremation was the most painful thing she has ever done, ever. Her chest burned inside all day.) Mike was a very complex person, and he left unmistakable messages for many of us that we had just started to figure out.

    I spent the better part of last week sleeping in Mike’s last home, the trailer on Jack Martin’s property. It didn’t feel weird or “creepy” in any way. In fact, I felt a sense of calm and peace being there. It was part of the process I needed to go through to say goodbye to Mike, and in that process, fulfill my obligations to Mike to both investigate the circumstances of his death and try to make sense out of it. I assume you have already viewed the article and video I posted on “The Death of Michael C. Ruppert”. If not, please view it before continuing with this article, as this is a continuation of that video report.

    In sorting through Mike’s recent past and the events leading up to his suicide, I have spoken directly to all of the people closest to Mike in great detail. There seems to be a general agreement from those I spoke with that I am in the right position to attempt to aggregate the story of Mike’s end, through his eyes. We have been blessed with help from other media outlets, particularly, for compiling and reporting the details and timeline of Mike’s last days. I am not going to repeat all those details here; rather, what I am attempting is an effort to understand the “why” behind Mike’s final act.

    My (Brief) History with MCR

    My personal history with Mike began in October of 2009 after Mike asked for legal help on his blog in appealing his Oregon sexual harassment administrative judgment. I had been following Mike’s work since 2005, and had kept up on his move back to the United States. I was one of the many people – before the movie “CoLLapse”came out – who took an active interest in what was happening to the man. As fate would have it, I am licensed to practice law in Oregon, and I had the time available to volunteer. I valued the work Mike had done in the past – he opened my eyes like no one else – and I saw he was in trouble, beyond just the legal issues. I wanted to help, so I stepped forward.

    Although he refused to talk anything about peak oil, 9-11, collapse (beyond promoting the movie “CoLLapse”), Mike and I hit it off right away. He was a self-proclaimed singer and songwriter, working hard toward the release of his first album with best friend and bandmate Doug Lewis. The band was New White Trash, and their first album was called “Double-Wide”. That was Mike, always part prophet.

    Mike and I met face-to-face for the first time when he came to Portland for the premier of “CoLLapse.” He came to my house and I cooked him (and Lisa Mann and her husband) dinner with my family. Over the course of dinner, he revealed to us that he had tried to hang himself in Venezuela. As that was not public knowledge at the time, my radar was set off instantly. He was giving me his first warning that he was suicidal.

    Within a few weeks, as Mike came to know that I was “for real,” he immediately set upon me additional responsibilities, including writing a new Will for him that named me as Executor and a Living Will with specific end of life directives. When I asked him what he wanted done with his body, he replied instantly and emphatically, “Fucking compost me! I’m serious.” And he was. At the time, he expressed assassination concerns as the reason behind the new documents (I would come to learn that he WANTED to be martyred). But the seed of the other reason had been planted in my mind already, and from that time forward I was always concerned that he would end his own life.

    Winter marched on, “CoLLapse” did not catch fire with the public, and Mike fell on worse times. There was nothing coming in from the movie at that time. He was struggling very hard financially, just to pay his rent, as the movie portrayed in its closing segment. Fortunately for Mike, someone else saw his struggle and was captivated by Mike’s message in “CoLLapse.” That person was Mel Gibson. Yes, THE Mel Gibson.

    Mr. Gibson had seen a screening of “CoLLapse” with director Chris Smith in NYC, and asked to see “what’s on the floor” (meaning cutting room floor). Chris sent Mr. Gibson the footage, and some days later Mike’s assistant (volunteer) took a call from Mel himself. In classic Ruppert flare, Mike took the call knowing who was on the other end, and Mike’s first words, in flawless Scottish imitation, were, “Well, we didn’t get dressed up for nothin’!” They became instant friends, with Mike choosing to accept a Christmas dinner invitation with the Gibson family over the invitation to be with my family (as if there was a choice?!).

    Mike and Mel spent some time together in the following months. By February, Mike was very down and out financially. It was clear that he needed to make an income somehow, but who would hire a 59 –year-old “radical” like Mike Ruppert? Mike grudgingly accepted that he had to go backwards in order to go forward – he had to go back to doing what he thought he was free of, analyzing world events and helping people prepare for what he believed was the imminent collapse of human industrial civilization. It was his area of expertise, but he was not eager to take on the weight of the world again. After one visit with Mel, at the end of which Mr. Gibson handed Mike an envelope filled with $5,000 cash (just as an effort to help a friend), Mike decided to pay his rent and use the remaining funds to start forming CollapseNet.

    Mike’s Pattern of Pushing People Away

    Allow me to jump ahead to Mike’s departure from active involvement with CollapseNet (I’ll have more about the CollapseNet story in the next major part of this series). The short story is that Mike was becoming more and more involved in his quest for spirituality, and he was captivated by the Mayan calendar “end” date of 12-21-2012. Virtually all of the volunteers and independent contractors came to CollapseNet because of Mike’s message in the film “CoLLapse,” which we all viewed objectively and saw as an “a-spiritual” message. To be blunt, none of the CollapseNet senior staff felt comfortable going down Mike’s spiritual path, and to take CollapseNet down that road threatened all the previous sound, logical investigative reporting Mike had done over the years. CollapseNet’s management team, including me, was about to leave CollapseNet, but Mike out-maneuvered us and left first, giving up 35% of his stock to those volunteers (Mike retained 20%). While he expressed that he wanted to leave something behind for us while he went on his spiritual journey – he wanted to leave us as a “hero” – there was much more to it. I would come to find out that this was part of a larger long-term pattern of dissociation that Mike did when he became suicidal.

    CollapseNet’s revenues were already in a nose dive before Mike left (following the “Say My Fucking Name” video), and the situation got far worse after he left, so there wasn’t much help we could provide financially. Mike impoverished himself again, eventually getting himself evicted from the rental property he had in Sebastopol, making his circumstances as depressing and dark as they could be. He was in self-pity and depression mode all the way, and he told me both in writing and over the phone that he was about to kill himself (on July 19, 2013) when Doug called and offered Mike the prospect of going to Colorado. Mike took Doug’s call as a message from Spirit, so he put away the gun, packed his bags and went to Colorado on his spiritual quest.

    After speaking with Doug at length, Mike’s pattern of dissociative behavior while contemplating suicide became very clear. Shortly after arriving at Doug’s house, Mike made a new Will naming Doug as Executor and giving new directives. As you can see from the Apocalypse, Man videos, Mike still had suicide on his mind when he moved to Crestone. It never left him. Just prior to moving to Calistoga, Mike started pushing away those closest to him again. Mike pushed away Doug, to the point of hurting Doug as best he could by renouncing their entire friendship near the end. His decision to move was very abrupt to Jesse, but Mike immediately expressed wanting her to follow and be with him. She agreed.

    When Mike moved to Calistoga, he immediately repeated the same behavior with Jack. At the beginning of March, Mike made another Will naming Jack as the Executor and giving new directives. It is very clear to all of Mike’s inner circle that Mike chose Jack to carry the burden of Mike’s suicide, and Mike had confidence that Jack would see Mike’s wishes through.

    Jesse Re walked away from her life in Crestone and followed Mike to California at the beginning of April. They were together for over a week before she took her son up to Oregon. Mike made sure he would be alone that day. Mike’s planning was meticulous and he made every effort to make sure that no one would be present to stop him, or even know what he was planning to do.

    The basic pattern of Mike’s dissociative behavior over the last few years went something like this:

    · In 2006 Mike abruptly leaves FTW, pushes away friends and colleagues, moves to Venezuela. Then he tries to kill himself.

    · In 2007-8 Mike moves back to U.S., has to promise Jenna every single day that he will not kill himself.

    · In 2009, meets Wes, does a new Will, admits suicidal tendencies.

    · In 2012, Mike abruptly leaves CollapseNet, pushes away friends and colleagues, almost commits suicide by gun.

    · Mike moves to CO, does new Will with Doug, admits he went there to kill himself (Apocolypse, Man).

    · In March 2014, Mike abruptly leaves Colorado, pushes away his best friend

    · Mike moves to Calistoga, does new Will with Jack.

    · In April 2014, Jesse moves to Calistoga, Mike plans his suicide for when she was out of state.

    There are likely more instances that can be added to this list, but this should be enough to make the point.

    One note that should be added to this story is Mike’s last trip to Seattle, just weeks before he died, in order to do a finishing interview and B-roll to complete the Apocalypse, Man videos as a potential feature. Mike was put up in a fancy downtown hotel. Coming from Crestone and his deep spiritual journey, Mike expressed how much it felt like he was going into the Matrix and coming out again. He was already completely detached from that urban industrialized world, and he felt alien as he walked through it in the flesh. Just having that experience shook Mike very hard. For him, it was not unlike the kid from the movie “The Sixth Sense” – all Mike saw were dead people.

    Mike’s Spiritual Path

    For some time now, Mike has been embracing spirituality, from a devout 12-stepper to a self-proclaimed “Gaian,” then diving into a pursuit of Native American culture and spirituality. He was through with “Cartesian analysis” and was seeking some kind of spiritual relief from the burdens of the world he saw around us. Mike found what he sought in Crestone.

    Mike had been seeking a “warrior’s death” from before I ever met him. He wanted to die a martyr for his cause. I even dedicated my “OWS Explained to a 5 Year Old” video to Mike because he was on the front lines at Occupy Santa Rosa and he fully expected – maybe even WANTED – to get his head bashed in before it was over. That destiny of martyrdom was constantly denied him, and at the end, he admitted as much in an email to Jesse Re when he said, in essence, that “They” were no longer interested in killing him, it was too late to matter. So Mike needed to find another way to have his “honorable death,” to be the hero dying for his cause.

    In Mike’s quest for knowledge, he had many teachers and guides in Native American rituals and spirituality, and he honored them all. Mike said in his notes (synthesized here) that his final act was a sacrifice of flesh and blood for the children, so that it may bring light and love into the world. It was in Mike’s selective interpretation of Native American culture that he found a way that allowed him to die as a sacrifice to his fellow man. To have his “honorable death.”

    Although I have not yet spoken to a Lakota elder, it is the general feeling amongst his friends that Mike’s interpretation of that culture was misplaced or misinterpreted to fit Mike’s ultimate goal of suicide. Mike had found his spiritual path toward his long-time interest in killing himself. He found a way to justify the act in his own mind, heart and spirit.

    Mike’s Mental State on That Day

    Now that the foundation of Mike’s pattern of dissociation while contemplating or planning suicide has been established, and we have an understanding of Mike’s sense of spiritual sacrifice, I want to address why Mike felt that there was “no more time.”

    Mike believed with absolute certainty in human Near Term Extinction brought on by imminent climate collapse, the ongoing poisoning of the Pacific Ocean due to the continuous dumping of millions of gallons of radioactive waste water from Fukushima, together with the dire threat to human existence presented by the instability of Fukushima Fuel Pool #4. This is an abbreviated list, for sure, but he was completely convinced that these issues alone doomed humanity to extinction within the next 5 to 15 years. He also believed that the only possible hope that the human species has to avert climate collapse was the immediate complete collapse of human industrial civilization, which in itself would guarantee the short-term deaths of at least 5 billion people.

    Heavy shit, indeed.

    In Mike’s mind, we are all already dead. His only question, and greatest fear, is how soon?

    Mike was very good at identifying the right issues, seeing patterns and figuring out the direction of events, but his biggest analytical flaw was always trying to put a date-certain on doom. He had some big hits, but also some big misses. I am not in a position to confirm or dispute Mike’s analysis, and I am personally uncomfortable with making predictions with specific timelines, but you need to know that Mike’s general concerns are shared by many so-called mainstream scientists. CollapseNet will return to these issues in depth in the weeks ahead.

    Returning to Mike’s state of mind, everyone in Mike’s circle of friends has lived with the knowledge that Mike’s suicidal ideations, his battle with depression and other mental health issues over the years, and the weight of the survival of the human species on his shoulders as if it were his personal responsibility, was BOUND to lead Mike to this day. And now he had found his own spiritual justification to allow him to commit his final act. So the question really turns from why Mike chose to finally do it to what was in his mind when he committed to his last act.

    Jesse Re

    I have never seen a person more in love than Jesse Re was, and still is, with Mike Ruppert. That love was absolutely reciprocated by Mike. Jesse played for me the last half-dozen or so voice-mails that she had from Mike, and I can tell you without equivocation that Mike sounded happier and more full of life than I have ever heard him. Each call was showered with multiple versions of “I love you so much” and “I am so happy to be with you” and “I can’t wait to be together again.” Mike sounded like he was thunderstruck in love with Jesse, like a teenager who fell in love for the first time, and I saw for myself that Jesse is completely and totally sincere in her love for Mike. She was absolutely committed to living her life with him, and Mike left her believing that he felt the same way.

    Right after Mike left Crestone, Jesse began shedding her possessions and prepared to move to Calistoga to be with Mike. During this time, Mike continuously expressed his ever-long desire to be with Jesse, to share their lives together. She arrived with her son, and very little money or “stuff,” on April 1st. (April Fool’s Day!!)

    From all the information I have gathered, it is apparent that Mike was actively planning his suicide from the time he made his abrupt decision to move back to California. I do not believe that Mike thought that Jesse would follow him to California. In fact, he was blown away that she actually gave up her life to follow him halfway across the continent. No one had ever done anything close to that in demonstrating love for Michael C. Ruppert, and he treasured that knowledge and love like nothing else he had ever experienced.

    On April 12, the day before Mike’s suicide, Jesse and her son went to Oregon to visit with other family and friends. I’m shorting the details intentionally here, but Mike’s stated intention was to give him time to find a bigger place for the three of them, and he thought they’d be happier in Oregon for a few days while new living arrangements were made. Jesse believed him. That is all she wanted.

    That is how Mike’s relationship was with Jesse at the end.

    As I sat at Mike’s desk and digested all of these pieces, a memory of one of my favorite books from college, Fool’s Die by Mario Puzo, leapt into my head. The book opens with a degenerate gambler playing baccarat in Las Vegas. The character had already lost everything – his house, retirement, college funds, family – but this time he was on an incredible winning streak and couldn’t lose! He wins over a half-million dollars, gets comp’ed in the casino’s Presidential Suite, goes to his room, and shortly thereafter puts a gun to his head and kills himself. Why? As the story unfolds, you come to understand that for that character, his life would NEVER be better than it was at that moment in time. By killing himself, his family would keep the money, and he would never have to face another loss, EVER.

    I believe with all my heart and all my knowledge that that analogy fits Mike’s death perfectly. He wanted to go out at his personal emotional top – totally in love with someone who was totally in love with him. Mike believed with all his heart that we’re all dead anyway, so the only future he had to look forward to was one of horrific loss. He could only live to maybe lose the love he had at that time, the greatest love he had ever known, or maybe later suffer while watching the loss of a future for him, Jesse and her son. He had planned his suicide event for many, many years, and he had actively planned the final day for weeks at the least. Knowing that the love of his life sacrificed all to be with him, and was totally committed to him, was likely the best feeling he had ever had, or would have. He didn’t want to live any longer and risk losing that greatest of highs.

    So he committed to his plan, and carried it out.

    Please do not misinterpret anything I say here. Jesse Re is not at fault for Mike’s suicide any more than me, or Doug Lewis, or Jack, or Carolyn, or Jenna, or any other person on earth. NONE OF US could save Mike, and all of us tried along the way.

    What I do want to express clearly is that I believe Mike decided to end his life at the best place he thought his life could ever be. He carried too much pain for far too long – he was ready to die, as he expressed in Apocalypse, Man. Mike was tired, to the soul. Now, finally, at long last, he found a spiritual path that he thought excused his act, and someone who loved him more than he had ever known and who would mourn him forever. It was Mike’s emotional peak after completing his earthly tasks, and he wanted to go out on that emotional top.

    Jesse Re has added much more to complete that picture. She believes that because of the deep connection they shared, that Mike trusted the unconditional love Jesse had for him, and that their love gave him a safe way out, knowing she’d love him and forgive him no matter what. Jesse knows he was tired, and that he didn’t feel good. In Mike’s own words, he was terrified of the state of the world. Jesse believes what I said above, but she also made me see that it was more than just an emotional high. It was equally an emotional low. Mike was completely exhausted.

    Mike didn’t have much, but what he had he left to Jesse, of course. He had to die a “hero” to her…


    Jesse Re read and approved of this article prior to publication

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